you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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