how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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