Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
