did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
