why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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