I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
