i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
