remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
