im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize