I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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