dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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