Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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