that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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