a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
