So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
