: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
