Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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