I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize