i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
