you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
