I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sext me about skeletons
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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