I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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