I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
