I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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