You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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