if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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