a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
