I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
