I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
