Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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