I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
