He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
