Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
