she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
