i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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