Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I need moral support for this bender
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
