A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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