I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
