Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
