My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
