he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
