soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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