singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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