I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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