I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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