I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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