Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Can you bring me the toilet please
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
