Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
