Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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