His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I didn't notice because vodka
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
