i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize