o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just found puke in my bra..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
