Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
