I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My vagina is very pro this idea
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
