My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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