I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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