the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
