You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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