I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
