Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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