I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
