I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
