Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
