When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
