I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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