Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
